


Adonis(BEING REWRITTEN)

by Hossenti



Series: Sans [2]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Bad Decisions™, Depressed Sans (Undertale), Depression, Fontcest, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2018-08-21
Packaged: 2019-06-30 09:12:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15748677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hossenti/pseuds/Hossenti
Summary: "Imperfectly perfect."-Unknown





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> In which confessions are made

_ “papyrus??" I yell into the dust-covered air. The kid, they killed everyone. Why they chose this path, I don't know. I need to find my brother and fast, he went to fight them, the kid, I need to find him before they kill him, I need to- _

_ My thoughts stop when a bright red catches my eye. ‘nonononno! this can't be happening!’ I run over to Papyrus’s signature scarf and feel luminescent tears stream down my face. "p-papyrus?" No answer. Of course. He's dead, god, he's dead, the kid killed him. My eye starts to burn a neon blue out of anger and grief. “GOD DAMN IT!” I scream and crumple in on myself. The only thing I had left is gone, was taken away from me. Again. _

_ "Sansy~" I turn around and glare at who-what's behind me. "Why'd you let me kill him Sansy~?" They start walking towards me. "You knew what was going to happen, so why didn't you stop me~? Maybe it's because you want me to kill everyone, or, maybe," they smirk and grab my chin, "you know you aren't strong enough~?" They hold up their knife and swing it across my chest. All I see is black. _

I jerk awake, lying in a pool of my sweat and tears.  _ ‘pathetic. i can't save anyone, not even myself. i’ve already failed papyrus multiple times. i’ve failed him. and.. my child.. i'm a waste of space, so why? why am i still here? everyone'd be better off without me anyway. they'd be happy. maybe i should leave, or...’ _ My head turns and my eyes slowly fall to my dresser drawer. I walk across the room and start shuffling through my clothes, picking up the knife I hid there for times like these.

“man, i really am fucked up ain't i?” I weakly chuckle as I pull the knife out. I place the knife on my radius and I begin to cut, hissing in pain, but still staying relatively quiet, aware that Papyrus is in the room next to me.

 

One cut.

 

**HP 0.8/1**

 

Two cuts.

 

**HP 0.65/1**

 

Three cuts.

 

**HP 0.3/1**

 

Perfect. One more and this can all be over.  _ ‘until the world’s reset again.’ _ I push that thought from my head as I bring the knife closer to my arm, about to make the last cut.

“S-Sans..” Someone whimpers from the door.  _ ‘oh. oh god no.’ _ I slowly turn my head and see Papyrus standing behind my bedroom door.  _ ‘nonono!’ _

“uh.. hey..”

“Brother.. Please put that down..” he says, pointing to the knife. I look at it and slowly put it down next to me, too ashamed to look at him. Papyrus walks over. “Sans.. Why..?”

“i-i..” I feel tears starting to slide down my face and Papyrus leans down to hug me, but I push him away, curling into a ball.

“Please look at me..” That voice.. My soul aches knowing that I caused it, but I can’t deny him anything, so I turn around again and look him in the eyes. “It’ll be okay, I’m not mad,” I shake my head.

“it’s not okay, it never is! it keeps getting reset! i’ve seen you die so many times. so, so many times papyrus.. and.. a-and i can’t keep pretending like everything’s okay, cause it’s not. you won’t even remember.. we’ve had this conversation before.. and i just-i can’t do this anymore..” The tears fall faster.

“Sans, what are you talking about?” Of course, he wouldn’t know. No one remembers except me, the kid, and that damned flower..

“i-it’s nothing, bro.” I look away from him, not able to see his face anymore, afraid that I’ll see disappointment and anger in his eyes.

“Sans, please,” I clench my eyes shut and shake my head. “Sans,” he says more serious this time. I shake my head again. “SANS!” He yells. I flinch. He reaches for me, but I back into the wall. His eyebrows furrow in worry. “Do you not trust me, brother?” My eyes shoot open at that.

“what? no! that’s not it at all! it’s just.. something i can’t tell anyone, no one knows and.. they wouldn’t believe me anyway..”

“I-if you say so..” It’s quiet for a few minutes before: “Sans, let me see your arm.”

_ ‘fuckfuckfuckfuck.’ _

“uh.. n-no.” He comes closer and forcefully grabs my arm. “ow! hey, be careful,” I say and wince slightly.

“Sans..”

_ ‘oh god. i made him upset. i fucked up. i’m terrible. i’m-’ _ A hand cups my cheek. “p-pap what-” I hardly register teeth on teeth and when I do my brain nearly shuts down. The kiss only lasts a few seconds but it’s enough to turn my face a bright blue. “pap..?”

“I love you, Sans. Please remember that.”

“i-i..” My eyes overflow with tears, “i love you too.. i thought you’d l-leave me if you found out i love you. after all, who’d wanna be with a lazy, worthless skeleton like me?”

“Me.” The dam finally breaks and I start bawling into his scarf. “Shh.. It’s okay Sans..”

“i’m-i,” I fail to put my thoughts into words. We sit like that for a while with me crying and Papyrus comforting me.

“I have to go shopping for more spaghetti ingredients, would you like to come with, Sans?” He offers after a while. I shake my head. “Okay, let’s get you to sleep then, I will go later.”

“m’kay,” I mumble as he lays next to me. I immediately latch onto his ribcage and slowly drift to sleep, not even waking when he leaves.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sans has a nightmare

_ Everyone’s talking in the living room when I step down the stairs, “HEY, FRISK. SANS HAS MENTIONED SOMETHING ABOUT ‘RESETS’ RECENTLY,” I freeze, “DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY ARE?” _

_ Frisk nods and starts signing, ‘I never knew Sans remembered them.’ _

_ “WHAT ARE THEY?” _

_ ‘They’re basically like time loops, except the only person who can cause them is the one with the most determination. Which is me. Some runs I would spare you all like I did in this one, but in others, I would kill a few, and sometimes I got possessed by the demon, Chara,’ Toriel gasps, ‘and they would kill every monster before I could get control of my body again.’ _

_ “Oh! My child, that must have been terrible! I can’t even imagine what that must have felt like!” Tori exclaims. _

_ ‘Literal Hell,’ they sign. _

_ “How many,” Undyne growls. _

_ ‘Uh, I lost track at around 1,250.’ _

_ Undyne slams her hands on the coffee table, “That lazy ass! He didn’t even try to stop you did he?!” _

_ They shrug, ‘he fought Chara after they killed everyone.’ _

_ “Ugh!!” She practically screams. She walks over to where I’m standing and grabs the collar of my shirt. “You!!” I flinch at the volume of her voice, “You didn’t even try to stop the resets, did you?!” _

_ “i did try.. i did!” _

_ “Oh, don’t give me that crap! You’re too lazy to even get out of bed in the morning! Do you honestly think that I’m going to believe you tried to do anything?? Your weak, lazy, and useless!!” She lists off my flaws. I look to the others, only to find disappointed looks. “Look at me when I’m talking to you!” I look back to a furious Undyne. “You failed us, idiot! How many times have you had the chance to change our fates??” _

_ “I thought you loved me, Sans..” Papyrus comments, sounding hurt. _

_ “i-i do!” I exclaim. _

_ “Bullshit! You’ve never loved him! You’ve never cared for any of us have you?? You’re probably still hiding things from us!” _

_ “i-” I say with tears rapidly streaming down my face. I gather all my magic and teleport away. _

_ “Coward!” Undyne shouts as I vanish. _

I end up on top of Mt. Ebbot, the worst possible place to be right now. “i knew they’d hate me once they found out about the resets.. i’m so pathetic. so weak. so useless. such a failure.. i deserve to be yelled at, hurt..dead..” Just then I process where I am. Perfect. I slowly walk to the edge of a nearby cliff and start leaning over, the tears somehow still increasing in speed. “there’s nothing worth living for anymore, they all hate me.. i don’t blame them though, i hate me too.. it’ll probably reset again anyway.. i’ll wake up in snowdin, fated to that demon child again..” I hear the wind whooshing around me, then darkness.

I scream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Consider following my Tumblr!  
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/hossentii


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sans explains things

I scream. For a second I think Frisk had reset and start to mentally break down. They seemed so happy, why..? It’s probably my fault, I think grimly. I’m such a terrible friend and I- Papyrus bursts through the door.

“SANS, I HEARD YOU SCREAM, ARE YOU OKAY?!?!” Ow.

“yeah, i’m fine pap. just a nightmare,” I reassure, though I’m lying through my teeth. He doesn’t seem to believe me anyway. I look away guiltily.

“Sans..”

“heh. really pap, i’m fine.”

“Sans.. I know you’re not okay. You  _ screamed  _ for star’s sake. You do not have to tell me what it was about, but  _ please  _ do not lie to me.”

“s-sorry.” A choked sob rings through the air and it takes a while to realize it came from me. “i-it wa-as just so re-real-l.” I whimper. “y-you all fou-ound out wh-wha-a-t rese-resets-s ar-are a-and-nd we-ere disap-ppointed in-n me fo-for not try-trying-ng to st-stop them-m! i do-don’t-t wa-a-ant to l-l-lose-se you!” I wail.

Papyrus cups my cheekbone in his hand, wiping away my tears. “Shhh.. It’s alright Sans. I’m not disappointed or mad at all, I just worry sometimes. It’s okay Sans.” He reassures.

“i-it’s-s no-ot ok-kay-y! i-i-i-” I cut off with a sob. “i-i’m-m so-o-orr-rry!” Papyrus immediately traps me in a tight hug. I burrow my face into his scarf, letting loose uncontrollable sobs. We sit there for what feels like forever until eventually, my sobs become little hiccups and sniffles. “i... i’m sorry..” I mumble, tears still streaming down my face, but at a lesser pace.

“It is quite alright. Hey, Sans?”

“hm?” I hum in acknowledgment.

“If you don’t mind sharing… What exactly  _ are  _ resets?” I tense.

“uh.. th-they’re.. they’re basically like time loops, i-i guess? each choice we make creates different timelines which all have different outcomes. the ki- frisk can make these by essentially going back in time using their ‘determination’. in some of those they spare us all, like in this one, but in others, they kill some and in some, they get possessed by the demon child, chara. chara then kills every monster they can get their hands on. each of these create different timelines and even more branch off of those. somehow i can remember them.. they’re.. the main cause of my nightmares..” I finish.

“Oh..” He whispers solemnly.

_ ‘fuck i fucked up i’m so terrible i-’ _

Something wet hits my neck. “I can’t i-imagine what y-you mu-must have went through!” Pap howls. He’s.. is he crying? I slowly turn my head up to look at him, immediately seeing orange tears flowing down his cheeks. “You’re so strong. You have gone through so much and- Oh God, Sans that must have been terrible!”

“it.. was. but i’m nowhere near strong. i’m just a weak, pathetic excuse of a skeleton.”

“But you’re not!” He cries. “You are strong and resilient and so so special.”

“but i-”

“No buts, Sans.” He wipes away his tears. “We don’t have them, remember? Nyeh heh.” I give a weak chuckle.

“i’m so stupid.”

“No, not stupid. You have just been through a lot. But you want to know what makes you so strong?” I blink up at him. “You are still here. You are still living and well. When I found you last night I was terrified I would lose my older brother and only love. I was so, so scared. But you’re still here.” I give a small smile, wobbly, but genuine nonetheless.

“i love you pap.” I whisper.

“I love you too, Sans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Consider following my Tumblr!  
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/hossentii


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which people are told

I sigh before lifting a shaky hand and knocking on the door in front of me. Pap wanted to tell everyone about our relationship so he organized a hangout for our friends and us at Toriel and Asgore’s house. It’s the only available house that can fit us all since it’s just ever Pap and I in ours, Alphys and Undyne in theirs, Mettaton and Napstablook in theirs, and just the fact that Asgore and Toriel are huge goat monsters.

“Oh, howdy Sans!” Asgore greets. I didn’t notice the door open.

“uh.. hey king fluffybuns. how are you?”

“I am doing quite alright. Why don’t you and Papyrus come inside, it must be cold standing out there.” Oh. I may have forgotten to mention; it’s winter on the surface.

“nah. you know pap and i. nothing can get  _ under our skin  _ .”

“SANS, WE DON’T EVEN  _ HAVE  _ SKIN!!” Papyrus screeches.

“heheh.”

“You’re lucky I love you so much or I would not put up with this tomfoolery,” he whispers just loud enough for me to hear. I blush.

“Nonetheless, come inside. I would be mad to keep my guests outside.” We walk inside.

Since being on the surface Tori and Asgore have gotten a house together and successfully adopted Frisk. Heh. Maybe Pap and I’ll have a kid someday. I blush hard. No, Sans. It’s too early to be thinking about such things.

“Sans, dear. Are you alright? You look flushed!” Toriel asks. Oh stars. I hide my face in the fluff of my hood.

“yeah tori, don’t gotta worry. not catching a femur or anything.” She giggles.

“That was a good one!” She comments.

“PAPYRUS!!” Undyne yells, tackling Papyrus into a hug. “How ya doin’, buddy?”

“I’M AM DOING GREAT, UNDYNE!” Papyrus replies, trying to escape Undyne’s death-grip.

“Hey, how about making some spaghetti together like old times?!” She asks, clearly pumped at seeing her best friend.

“ACTUALLY UNDYNE, I MADE THIS HANGOUT SO SANS AND I COULD TALK TO YOU ALL AND INFORM YOU OF SOMETHING THAT HAS HAPPENED RECENTLY.” Oh boy. Here it goes.

“Is.. something wrong..?” Her eyes scan Papyrus and I. I tense.

“NO, NO! OPPOSITE IN FACT! SANS AND I, AS OF RECENTLY, ARE TOGETHER!” He shouts happily. Gasps can be heard throughout the room. Silence. Then:

“CONGRATS, MAN! I knew you could do it! So, what happened. I want details!” She demands, not at all forceful, but intrigued nonetheless.

“WELL.. Sans, may I tell them..?” He asks. Everyone looks at me.

“i.. i-if you want, pap.” Honestly, I don’t know if I want them to know.

“Are you sure? I know it’s personal.” I shake my head furiously.

“no, no. it’s fine, really. it’s probably time people know anyway.” I shake slightly.

“Alright, if you’re sure. Sans, well..” I hug myself. Here it goes. “Luckily, I found him in enough time, but Sans, he.. He was about to.. C-commit suicide.” More gasps.

“My goodness! I am so sorry! I never knew!” Tori exclaims.

“Yeah, dude! I never would’ve guessed you’re like that!” Undyne states.

“n-nah, s’fine. i know i have a good facade. heh heh..” I whisper, looking up with tears in my sockets. “i was so ready.. i-i was ready to  _ die  _ . i couldn’t-  _ can’t  _ \- handle this anym-more.” I rub at my sockets furiously, trying to wipe away the tears that just keep coming. “s-s-sorry..” I whimper.

One moment my two feet are on the ground, the next they’re not. I tentatively look up. Papyrus is carrying me. More tears well in my eyes and I bury my skull into his scarf. “You do not have to apologize, Sans. I am just glad you are alive.” Murmured agreements spread throughout the room.

After I calm down Undyne abruptly asks, “Okay, so, I know this isn’t a good time, but I need to know! Have you two fucked yet??” I’m sure my face is as blue as a blueberry. I burrow further into Pap.

“UNDYNE!” Pap screeches, his face also extremely flushed. “WH-WHY WOULD YOU ASK THAT??” I look up. Heh, he’s so cute when he’s flustered.

“‘Cause you’re my best friend. You still haven’t answered my question.”

“NO WE HAVEN’T!” He turns around and sits on a couch.

“we could,” I whisper where his ear would be.

“SANS!!” I laugh.

“man, i love you.”

“I love you too.” He gives me a quick kiss. I giggle, hugging him.

“Alright, lovebirds, enough PDA. Let’s catch up!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Great job, Undyne.
> 
> Consider following my Tumblr!  
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/hossentii


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bad Decisions™

Turns out Undyne is in training to become a police officer. She claims that “it’s the closest to the royal guard.” I don’t have the heart to tell her there are kingdoms up here too.

“what about you, alphys? still goin’ with the science route?” I ask. Honestly though, I understand if she doesn’t want to pursue science again.

“Y-yeah, actually!” She exclaims happily. “Though I  _ did  _ sc-screw up with the amalgamations and other s-smaller projects, that’s just part of science, ya know? It’s just so fun! I n-never did understand why you left..” She tapers off questioningly.

“YOU HAD A SCIENCY JOB?!” Papyrus asks, stunned.

“He did. Why did you leave, Sans?” Asgore queries. I begin to sweat.

“uh..” I tense. “r-r-reasons..” I stutter out, silently wishing the couch would swallow me whole.

_‘He was probably too much of a lazybones!’_ Frisk jokes.

“No actually! Funny enough, he was quite the overachiever!” Asgore chuckles lightly, “just like his father.” I tense more at that, curling into Pap’s side.

“WAIT. Is your father the reason you quit science?!” Undyne asks. Well, more like demands, but that’s just her character. She knows people too well. “Woah fu- it is, isn’t it? What did he do?!” She inquires.

“Well, Asgore and I suspected abuse. We were going to confront his father about it, but then one of his experiments went wrong and he died.” They all stare at me. I let out a distressed whimper.

“I DO KIND OF REMEMBER YOU HAVING LOTS OF CUTS, SCRAPES, AND BRUISES.” Papyrus comments. He squints. “AND.. a belly..? Sans, what happened?”

“i-it’s nothing, bro.” I have to try harder than is probably healthy to not cry. I shake my head rapidly, trying to rid my skull of memories that I’d much rather forget. “it’s nothing.”

_“Why can’t you do anything right?!” My father spits venomously as his hand meets the back of my head. I don’t flinch. If I do, I know it would only end with dire consequences, though I can’t help but cry as he breaks my arm. “You’re weak, useless and stupid!” He shouts while continuing to hit and kick me until I’m left curled up on the floor. “Let that be a lesson to you!”_

“n-nothing,” I repeat.

_ I gulp as I step into my father’s office. Oh god. Why do I have to do this? “Ah, there you are Sans. Come closer,” I hesitantly step forward. “Closer,” he continues motioning for me to get closer to him until I’m right in front of him. Suddenly, he pulls me into his lap. “You know Sans, you look adorable in that lab coat.” _

__ _ ‘no. nonono! this can’t happen, not now!’ He slaps me. _

__ **_“Accept my compliment!”_ **

_“oh. uh. t-thanks.” He leans me against his desk. ‘g-god no.. please..’_ _I feel tears pooling in my sockets._

__ “You are quite welcome.” He begins to grind against my tailbone. “Mmhh. Makes me want to take you right now. Heheh. Maybe I will,” he grinds harder.

“Sans darling, are you alright?” Mettaton gently asks.

“mmhm.. just peachy,” I hastily reply. My mind doesn’t seem to mind recovering repressed memories at the worst possible time. Replaying failures and past traumas.

__ _ As soon as I get home, I run into the bathroom, feeling dirty after… that. But, as I begin to take my shirt off, I notice something. “why is my ecto-belly showing?” I practically rip my shirt off to examine myself. I’m about to give myself the OK when I notice something glowing in the middle of my abdomen. “what the-?” As I look closer at it I gasp and feel tears stinging the edges of my eye sockets. “i.. am i..?” When I put my hand over the glow and it pulses, I know my suspicions are correct. I’m pregnant. _

I sob; my hands cradling my head, shielding my hideous face from view.

_ There was no crying, no screaming, only the doctors’ hushed whispers. ‘Oh my goodness!’ spread throughout the room, leaving me worried. _

__ _ “what? w-what’s wrong?” I pant out. _

__ _ The doctors share a sorrowful expression before one of them says, “I’m afraid your baby may be stillborn..” _

Ignoring everyone’s worried expressions I quickly excuse myself and immediately shortcut into the the bathroom. After locking the door I begin to slide onto the floor; leaning against the wall. I shakily wrap my arms around myself whilst letting out hiccuping sobs.

I’m a failure. I couldn’t even succeed in delivering my baby girl into this world. God, they must hate me. Me, the ugly slob who does nothing but sleep and eat all day. Me, the smiley trashbag that can’t even tell his own brother about the demons constantly plaguing his mind and so resorts to a fake smile to cover it up. Me, the no-good lousy scumbag of a friend who couldn’t help his best friend in her time of need; letting her slip into her own depression and anxiety. Me.

My thoughts progressively get darker; no one coming to save me from me. H-heh.. I knew they didn’t care about me.. It wouldn’t make a difference if I was gone or not. I’ve gone long quiet at this point. My empty sockets slowly focus on the medicine cabinet.

“S-Sans..? Are you okay? You’re awfully quiet.” Papyrus. Heh. Of course he’d be the one to check on me . It’s unfortunate that it’s probably out of pity though. I don’t answer, instead slowly trying to get onto my feet. “Sans, please. Toriel and Alphys said that everyone should leave you alone, but you’re starting to scare me.”

I finally make it over to the sink, shakily reaching my hand up to the cabinet’s handle. “go away pap,” I mutter; I almost wince at how broken I sound. I shake it off and quietly begin opening the medicine cabinet.

“You know I can’t do that, Sans. Please open the door.” I sigh, gently grabbing a bottle of sleeping pills prescribed to Asgore for his insomnia. Killing children really scars someone, especially at night when you’re most vulnerable.

“pap. you don’t gotta worry ‘bout me. i’m fine now,” I lie. God, I’m such a terrible person, er, monster.. I open the bottle and try to dump several into my hands silently, but to no avail. The pills make sound as they tumble out into my hands. Shit.

“Sans, what was that?” Papyrus asks, still in his quieter voice. I wince.

“uh.. just pain meds, pap. got a skullache after all that cryin’.” That’s not a complete lie; my head does hurt a bit. Pathetic that I’m resorting to suicide. Again.

“Um.. Okay. Can you please open the door now, brother?”

“in a sec, pap.” I quickly throw back the sleeping medication, dry swallowing them down.

Forgetting to put the bottle back, I quickly move to the door, almost slamming it open. “Oh! Hello, Sans. I didn’t expect you to actually come out!” I feel a pang of guilt at those words, so I rush forward to give him one last hug; he returns it. We stand there awhile; just hugging, when I feel the medicine begin to kick in. I yawn. “Are you okay?” Papyrus asks timidly. I nod.

“y-yeah. jus’ tired.” My eyes slowly drift closed. “‘m gonna take a little nap, ‘kay..?” Papyrus lightheartedly chuckles before spotting the open bottle.

He screams for Alphys, rushing me downstairs. I hear him sobbing before I drift into blissful nothingness.

_ I’m sorry. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Consider following my Tumblr!  
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/hossentii


End file.
